I haven`t written so long, because i was so busy with my life. To be honest, I didn`t want to write and share, because nobody wants to share things that doesn´t make you happy. So I was just working a lot, teaching and trying to give my best, but carried so much pain in my heart. Its the things that you least expect that hit you the hardest. My heart was broken. So I struggled with myself day by day figuring out what shall I do next. I was lost.
One of my yoga teachers said: "If you are lost, don`t panic. Be patient. Give time. Don`t expect. Find your teacher within yourself. And wait for signs". So I`ve practising patience and let it come. But same time reminding myself to enjoy the present, because it so easy to find yourself in the past (ex. what could have been, why this happened with me, what could i have done differently) or predicting and creating future scenarios that never happen. Instead of blogging I was walking with my dog and created some poetry. Its in Estonian, because its much easier to find right words to express yourself in your mother tongue, but maybe some day I will be more advanced in English, so I could translate them all. But here is something I tried to create in English: Heart shaped box All I need is a heart shaped box. Where I could keep days I dont wanna remember. Where I could collect thoughts that still call my mind Where I could hide feelings I hold deep in my essence. Where I could lock up pieces of broken heart. What if What if I get old and I don`t have it. Love. When I am still pretty and so ready for. And there isnt enough. Love. But is love enough to be loved? Ma ei ole ammu siia kirjutanud, sest elu haaras mind nii endasse, et muuks enam jõudu ei jätkunud. Ja ausalt, ma isegi ei tahtnud kirjutada, sest nii lihtne on kirjutada asjadest, mis teevad sind õnnelikuks ja rõõmsaks. Aga elus ei ole alati kõik päevad päikselised ning ühel päeval, kui sa seda kõige vähem ootad, tuleb metsik torm ja võtab sinu ilusa hoitud ja hoolitsetud elu üle. Ühtäkki sa tunned, et kõik päevad on ühtlaselt hallid ja vihmased ja siis sa lihtsalt võitled iseendaga, et üldse kodust välja minna. Kulged päevast päeva, paned sobivad maskid ette, võtad oma jõu kokku, teed oma asjad ära. Seest on aga nii valus, et tundub lausa talumatu. Aga seda tead ainult sina, sest keegi teine sinu sisse ei näe ja ei saagi näha. Üks minu õpetajatest ütles kord, et kui sa oled segaduses või ennast kaotamas, siis ära paanitse. ole kannatlik ja anna aega. Leia enda seest oma õpetaja ja oota märke. Seega olengi harjutanud kannatlikkust ja usaldust elu loomuliku liikumise vastu. Püüdnud mitte mõelda sellele, mis oli ja mida enam muuta ei saa või peatanud ennas pidevalt tulevikustenaariumidesse mässimast (mis juhtub, mis saab, kui äkki jne). Toonud tagasi end praegusesse hetke ja märkamisse. Igaüks võitleb oma mõtetega erinevalt. Mina kõndisin ja kirjutasin. Mõned kirjutatud mõtted siin: Kohale jõudmise ja kohal olemise vahel on vahe. Millegi vahel olemise aeg. Mis on veel raskem kui kohale jõudmine või kohal olemine. See on aeg, millal vana pole eel lõppenud, aga uus pole veel alanud. Ootamise aeg. Aeg, kus ei tea, kas lasta lahti või hoida kinni. Aeg, milles on nii palju kohalolemise hetki, mida me ei märka, sest me ootame midagi, mis võiks lõppeda või asju, mis pole veel alanud. See on tegelikult päriselu aeg. Aeg sünni ja surma vahel. Aeg olemiseks, nautimiseks ja elamiseks. Kohale jõudmine on ilus hetk. Sa avad värava ja sulged selle enda järgi. Ja astud sisse Ning ühtäkki märkad värve enda ümber, tunned lõhnu ja märkad asju, mis on tegelikult kogu aeg seal olnud. Isegi kui su ümber on palju helisid, siis tundub, et kõik on nii vaikne. Nii vaikne, et kõrvus lausa kohiseb. Kõik tundub nii ilus ja sina ise oled ka ilus, sest tunne on. Kohal olemises on talumatu kergus, sest sa ei mõtle enam sellele, mis oleks olnud kui või mis saab, kui. Sa ei väsita end asjadega, mida sa enam muuta ei saa või mis võiks juhtuda. See ei tähenda seda, et sa mitte midagi ei tee, aga ka mitte seda, et sa üritad kõike viimse hetkeni kontrollida. See on arusaam, et sa annad endast parima, aga usaldad asjade loomulikku kulgu. Leides tasakaalu kinni hoidmise ja minna laskmise vahel. Kohal olemine on nii ilus. Täpselt nii ilus, kui õhtupäike langeb sinu tuppa ja paneb kõik asjad toas elama. Annab asjadele värvid ja sära. Sina ise oled selle kõige sees ja särad ka peast jalatallani, sest lihtsalt on nii ilus. Või kui päike loojub ja on taeva pastelseks värvinud nii kaunilt, et sa ei suuda imestada, kui palju ilusaid värve on võimalik korraga taevasse ning vee peale maalida. Kui sa tõused hommikul üles, astud kargesse hommikusse värske lõhnava hommikukohviga ja mitte kuskile pole kiiret. Kui sa märkad kõiki neid väikseid ja lihtsaid asju ning sa tunned, et kõik on nii ilus. Siis pole vaja oodata, et midagi suurt ja vägevat juhtuks, et sa saaks tunda õnnetunnet, vaid need pisikesed asjad teevad sind õnnelikuks. -------------------------- Kas iga päev on võimalik armastada? Kas isegi siis, kui päevad on lõputult hallid ja rusuvalt vihmased? Või saab armastust tunda ainult neil päevil, mil hommikud on lõpmatut valgust täis ja sina ärkad koos päikesega? Kui palju ja kui kauaks on vaja ära minna, et tulla tagasi, avastades ja lootes, et armastus on tegelikult kogu aeg olemas olnud, aga lihtsalt sa ei osanud tähele panna? Miks on vaja iseennast kaotada, otsida, leida ja minna taas otsima, et armastada. Mis siis, kui ma jään vanaks ja mul ei ole. Armastust. Olen ju end ehtinud ja valmis pannud. Üles sättinud ja tubliks teinud, aga ikka ei ole piisavalt. Armastust. Aga kas üldse armastusest piisab, et oleks piisav?
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My third visit to Bali was on this year in March. I stayed for 5 weeks and started my vacation with working as a volunteer in one of the biggest yoga, dance and music festival in the world, called BaliSpirit Festival. Festival lasts 7 days and program is full of yoga-dance-breathwork workshops and dharma talks from 7am till 7pm. In the evenings there are bhakti nights were you can listen beautiful world music or dance till morning comes. The line up of the festival is impressive. Although they reveal the final program just a couple days before the festival (so Balinese style), there will be top yoga teachers - presenters, you have probably seen only in social media. Last year there were for example Ana Forrest, Tara Judelle, Tymi Howard, Tyrone Beverly, Laura Buckhart, Eoinn Finn, Katchie Ananda etc. And there are so many yoga styles presented: vinyasa, jivamukti ashtanga, hatha, kundalini, embodied flow, poetic flow, yoga dance, yin, afro flow, yoga for core, hips, inversions, hand balancing and etc. Even pirateyoga was in the schedule! Daily- programme is so concentrated, that there are even 3 workshops happening on the same time you can choose from. In the night programme you find lot of beautiful world music, but there is also ecstatic dancing almost every evening, plus beautiful ceremonies (for example cacao ceremony) taking place. Between the workshops you could get most delicious food from dharma fair (vege or non vege, glutenfree, lactosefree options as well) or buy organic products, (yoga) clothes, jewellery or accessories. Spirit festival has even the healing zone, where you can meet healer or get a palm/tarot reading. This year the festival was happening in two different places: daytime venue was about 30 minutes drive from Ubud (they had extremely well organized shuttle-service) and night time venue was in Ubud, beautiful place called Arma museum and Watergarden. So this year I decided to go to Bali on the same time the festival was happening. When I was looking out festival tickets, it was too much for me, because plane tickets to Bali are ca 450-1000 euros (depending on offers) and I was planning to stay there 4 more weeks to travel around. So I decided to apply for volunteer position. Bali Spirit team looks every year over 100 volunteers (if I remember correctly) to help them out. The recruitment starts already in September, when you have to apply for the position. When applying, you have to fill in the form, where you give overview about your previous career, strengths, weaknesses and experiences, also choose your preferable role (there are many roles available, like hosts, ticketing, gate guards, shuttle etc) and working hours (options are: morning shift 7.0-12.00, afternoon 12.00-17.00, evening 17-22.00). Not everyone is accepted, and no one guarantees the role and shift you preferred. So if you want to help as a volunteer keep eye on their webpage http://www.balispiritfestival.com/get-involved/applications. As I didnt know my plans so early, I applied in January and kept my fingers crossed that there will be more openings. So one week before my flight, in the beginning of March, I got an email that I was accepted. I paid an impact fee (each volunteer must pay 50 dollars that covers expenses like t-shirts, meals (you get one meal per day during your shift), shuttle etc) and was ready to go. Before arriving to the introduction day for volunteers, I knew that I will be in the office assisting (obviously because in my previous life when I was an office girl:), but when I was checking in, it appeared, that I will get the daytime shift 12.30-6 in the kids zone (maybe because I have graduated from educational sciences and can teach yoga for kids). Introduction day was a bit messy, we had to be there at 7, but programme started at 9. So I organized myself a driver (no organised shuttle this day) and hurried to the place. We were given overview about the festival and we met our team leaders (we had 3 bosses, which made things sometimes little bit complicated), who briefed us about our responsibilities. Everything was simple and clear, besides the fact that everyone didnt have breakfast, so people were mostly wondering about food. When we finally got to the place they offered a lunch, it was soooo crowded with hangry:) people. So next time bring your own food:), just in case. As my workday started already at 12.00 , I could only take yoga classes starting from 7. Woke up at 7, had a little breakfast in my homestay (I organised myself a homestay in Ubud on Hanoman near to Cocomarket shuttle stop), rushed to shuttle, about 20 minutes drive and I was there. After checking in (volunteers have to check in every morning and out after shift), I could take 2 yoga workshops 8-10 and 10-12. Quickly crabbing team lunch (very nice bamboo leaf packed rice with toppings) and went to work. Kids zone had big 2 -level playground, equipped with many ladders (made of bamboo), trampoline, lot of books, craft materials and things to play with. And they kept on building, so on the last day of the festival we had super safe, kid friendly, locked zone:) In addition, there was pre-planned programme for kids, including yoga, t-shirt, crown making, singing-dancing workshops, henna tatoos, you name it. Only problem was that there werent so many kids around or they didnt want to stay there a whole day. On first day, when the festival was open for community, we had so many kids, I couldnt count, so lot of fun and responsibilities (I pay all my respects to the kindergarden teachers working with children daily!!). But most of the days we had only 3-5 kids on the same time and 5-6 volunteers in the shift. So there wasnt so much to do, besides keeping the children inside the zone (most difficult task, because they wanted to run out and meet their parents) and babysitting the little ones (sometimes they were so little, 2-3 yrs, couldnt talk and missed their mommies). We couldnt go to workshops as well, because it was our shift, so we did something to fill in the time. Sometimes, our bosses let us to go to workshops, we were desiring to go, but we had to work longer or change the shift. One time, I even could go to the ecstatic dance during my shift:) We never ended our workday at 5, usually 6 o clock, so I never got the chance to check out from my shift, because everyone had left already:) At home I was around 7, so it was little struggle to get to the concerts that started already at 7 on night time venue, but if there is a will, there is a way:) Anyways, it reminded me early days of my career at the office, when I had done all my tasks (because I was hard-worker:), but couldnt go home, so I just sat there, waiting the end of a workday. But I can understand their perception as well, there could be kids coming at any time and you have to be ready for that, so you need staff be around. Our team was super supportive, very international and fun and kids zone was so well organised and equipped. Hopefully there will be more children next time:) To sum up, do I regret volunteering at Spirit Festival? Not at all, really. I am more than grateful all over, that they accepted my late application and I could be there, volunteering in the kids zone, because I got back so much more. I met so many beautiful people, I ate most delicious food. I danced barefoot every day for hours b. I listened beautiful music. I drank much coconut water. I loved the vibes and there were good vibes, only. Met wonderful yoga teachers around world, got so much inspiration for my yoga practise. Learned so much about myself. I cried many times in the end of a yoga class and I never cry in the yoga. I cried because I was so happy, because i had this chance to experience all of that. So it is all worth it and I could do it once more with joy and enthusiasm! Sellel aastal õnnestus mul olla vabatahtlikuks Bali Spirit Festivalil. mis on üks suurimaid jooga-tantsufestivale maailmas. Festival kestab kokku 7 päeva ja programm sisaldab endas hulganisti jooga- tanstu- hingamise- meeleteadlikkuse töötubasid hommikul kella 7 kuni õhtuni välja. Lisaks toimuvad õhtuti bhakti-ööd. erinevad kontserdid, tseremooniad (näiteks tee ja kakao tseremoonia) ja ekstaatilisne tants kuni hommikuni. Kuigi festivali lõplik programm avaldatakse
Lately I` ve been thinking, whether is it possible to be happy all the time.Studies have shown that Estonians are relatively happy as a nation. Happiness among Estonians is related to its place in society, income and faith in democracy. Estonian famous writer Tammsaare has written, if you work hard then love and happiness will follow, but work doesn`t make Estonian happy, income increases happiness. Money can buy you illusion of happiness, even when it`s temporary. Living together with a partner doesn`t make Estonian happy, but having children can boost happiness level. Studies don`t t speak about it, but I have noticed that the merriest times in Estonia are from May till August (vacation, sun and grill), friday and payday. The rest of the time many of us wait patiently for friday, payday and holiday. Which of course does not mean. that happiness can not be felt occasionally, I believe that many people don`t ever think whether they are happy or not. My grandmother turned 99 on last Saturday, and I don`t know whether she is happy or not- we have never discussed it and frankly, I do not dare to ask. Maybe she hasn`t thought about it, but maybe she is the happiest person in the world. Happiness is a personal issue and in Estonia, it`s not common to discuss it. Researchers have found that happiness consists of two aspects, how satisfied are you with your life (finding meaning in your life) and how do you feel on a daily basis (more positive emotions than negative). Studies also have shown, that if you are trying desperately to be happy all the time, then very soon, you no longer know how to be happy, because nothing is sufficient for the happiness. So being happy all the time isn`t actually healthy and it is quite normal that you do not feel it all the time. On moments, when you feel that there is nothing in your life to be happy for, teach you the real happiness. How to appreciate and be grateful for all the tiny things in your life. It is possible to practice happiness on a daily basis by keeping awareness on your emotions without judging them. You have right to be sad or angry, but it doesn`t mean that your life is sad or you are an angry person. It is only your current situation and sooner or later it will pass. It may be stormy, but it never rains forever. You can remind yourself that one thing every day that makes you happy and grateful here and now. Even when it's not anything special. Scientists say that continuous practice of happiness increases lasting happiness and if there are more moments of happiness, the happier your life will feel. We were celebrating my grannys 99th birthday with this delicious happy carrot cake. Ma olen viimasel ajal |
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